An Oregon license came in the mail yesterday.  It’s lacking style.  A laminated piece of plastic with my dumb face and lifetime stats on the front.  Not much else.  The DMV in Oregon is just like the DMV where ever you are.  It’s a shakedown, with long lines and smudged glass doors.  When you’re migrating from one state to another, they pat your pockets for loose change and dollar bills.  A fee for the driving test.  If you can’t pass this, they should probably kick you out of the state all together.  Then another fee if you pass the test.  I imagine there’s a fee for failing as well.

    Everyone in Oregon talks about the trees and the waterfalls and “the tap water is delicious.”  From what I’ve seen, Oregonians look down their nose at anything southerly.  California is all sirens, stabbings, smog and traffic.  Oregon, on the other hand is pristine.  Don’t be offended, I’m just reporting what I see.  They’re kundalini yoga, California is a massive and inconsiderate sweat shop.

    It’s not that people in Oregon think they’re better, it’s just that they think everything in Oregon is better.  The trees are taller, the grass is greener.  They brag about four seasons and if they haven’t told you about a hike — give it twenty seconds — they will.  They’re outdoorsy, look at their sweet hiking sandals.  They drive Subarus, exclusively.  For the four wheel drive feature, of course.

    If I was a betting man, and I am, I’d bet they rarely use the four wheel drive feature.  I’d bet it’s a lot like some of the hiking shoes that still have all the tread on the bottom and look brand new.

    They’re right about the trees.  Trees everywhere up here.  Lots of trees and currently, lost of fires.  Smoking and throwing cigarette butts out the window happens frequently and doesn’t seem to be an issue.  As long as they don’t have to sit in traffic.  Let a billion acres of woods burn to the ground, but they would never stand for that terrible Los Angeles smog.  They make strong points up here.

    There seems to be a subtle feud going on between Oregon and California.  Only the Californians haven’t caught wind of it yet.  It’s more of a one-way eye-rolling from one state to another.  With California being completely oblivious and ultimately unconcerned with the issue.

    People in Oregon are nicer.  They pet dogs and kiss babies.  They’re not all in a huff, rushing from one place to the next.  It’s the entire Oregon population, maybe something in the tap water.  This is what i hear.  

    The California feud is a bit confusing, considering most of the people you come in contact with are, at one point or another, from California.  But, ohhhh-noooo, they’d never go back.  Not in a million years.  Oregon is too beautiful.

    Fuck off.  Fuck all the way off.  I shit you not, this is the stuff I’ve come across.  The worst part about it, they’re not even being assholes when they say it.  It’s simply a bogus conspiracy that somehow crept its way into their collective heads.

    I want to tell them that Californians barely know they exist.  There’s no cross-boarder rivalry.  Traffic is shitty for everyone.  It doesn’t suddenly become desirable because of an imaginary state-line.  I want to sit them down for Mexican food.  Real Mexican food.  Maybe it would take their mind off of their expensive, gently used outdoor gear.  Everyone loves trees and waterfalls, we get it.  But everyone also loves Burritos.

    The braggadocious outdoor culture does spend time out in the sun, but it’s because that’s what there is to do here.  They float on the rivers and drink beer.  If it was up to the people of California, they’d replace the river water entirely with beer and everyone would be happy and floating all day long.  We’re all cut from the same cloth.

    There’s no great divide.   I think the truth of that message will slowly crawl its way up the grapevine.  As long as Donald Trump doesn’t get too crazy with his wall, Mexicans will make their way into Oregon and things will only get better.  Accept diversity with open arms, Oregon.  It’s coming one way or another.  Remember all that friendly, smiling, naturing loving stuff you’re so proud about — lets all enjoy that.

    And drop the whole California comparison.  California does its own thing — do yours.  I hate to break the bad news to you, but i’ve seen a little of both sides.  People are all the same.  Some assholes, some not.  I’ve seen Oregon’s super-polite, trophy citizens, and I’ve been there when the rain starts, or when the temperature approaches triple digits, and those same people turn sour.  We’re all animals.  To the north and to the south.  East and west as well, I imagine.

    Lets just get on this Mexian food thing, ASAP.  All the other silly problems will solves themselves.