It’s February.  The time of year where the dirty pork-scented tax companies feast on the hearts of the working class.  The time when vomit-breathed thieves like TurboTax look to get their sticky palms greased by everyone on the payroll.

I’d like to audit that swarm of swine.  See how many shifty moves they make every year to sneak a few more hundreds out of blue collar wallets.  Last year I spent two hours navigating TurboTax’s dyslexic website.  Following instructions for FREE tax return, only to get to the end where I ran into a “Do Not Pass” screen.  They wanted a piece of my return.  

What would I pay you for?  You’ve done nothing of service.  The whole thing is a thorn entangled money grab.  You think I wanted to play this game?

So, I didn’t get a refund last year.  I should have, but I wasn’t willing to give the vampires at TurboTax their cut.  I shut the laptop before I ever submitted the goddam form.  I thought about pounding my fist through the thing.  I thought about flinging it like a discus into the corner, where the ceiling and walls meet.  I wanted to use the computer as a mallet to bounce off the heads of the corporate beetles over at TurboTax.

As for the rest of you tax thieves, don’t think you’re any better.  If there is a god, he’ll send a car off the road, hopefully breaking the stripped legs of your sidewalk sign-shaker.  Horrible companies.  If you thought the IRS was greedy, these are spiny she-spawns of satin.  I’d really love nothing more than to pull the top hat down over those Liberty Tax people’s head and boot them right in the crotch.

I’m not wading into an argument about the unfortunate tax situation in this country, I’m spitting gasoline at the crooks who swim behind the system like scavenger pilot fish drafting behind great white sharks.  These are slippery, awful, underworld creatures.  We HAVE to do our taxes, but first, we have to navigate the treacherous waters of the tax industry first.  

All for what?  To get our own money back.  The money that the government regularly takes too much of.  And do we get it all back?  Never in a million years.  Normal people don’t, at least.  The filthy rich might be able to pull some strings, but the working class leaves millions upon millions in the flabby hands of the tax man.  Money that is rightfully ours, but due to an overcomplicated system of fuckery, we can’t figure out the appropriate forms to fill out.  Extra-lines, receipts, amendments, and with each one, TurboTax is there with a shit-eating grin, stuffing more money into their sweat-stained brazier.

Hell.  For all of them.  Make us pay income tax, and demand bribes to release the excess cash.  The whole thing sticks of corruption.  Every time tax season rolls around, they crawl on their bellies out of their fungus holes and stand on the corners, salivating behind their American flag banners.  Hot hell to every one of them.

I get it.  I need to find a “tax guy.”  A man or woman who knows the potholes and loopholes of the system.  But they take their cut too.  Why is that my responsibility?  To find my own personal shark, who, for a small fee, will infiltrate and bring back a larger portion of MY OWN FUCKING MONEY.  Money that we all spend our days, our time, and our energy earning.

If we can’t fix this fucked tax system, a system that is ultimately a leech on everyone, how the fuck are we going to fix anything else?  Where do you think they get all the money for drone strikes and presidential golf courses?  I’m not suggesting some kind of anarchy, non-taxed society, but don’t makes us dance and pay and jump through hoops to get our shit back.

And if we decide not to pay our, guess what? They’ll send the IRS after us with torches and ski masks.  They’ll garnish our wages and add fines on top of what is already owed.  But will they seek me out to give me last year’s return?  Not a chance in filthy tax hell.  They might even charge me a fine to claim last years taxes at this point.  They’ll say I was late to file and therefore should be punished.  Wait a second…I was late to pick up money that you owed me…so I have to pay more money?  That sounds right.  You've earn interest on this extra money of mine for a year, but I’m the one who has to sit across from the mouth breathing morons dressed in American flag pants to get it back. 

Fuck you TurboTax.  Fuck tax season.  Taxidermy is the only thing any of you shitholes would be qualified for.  Shot and stuffed, your lifeless bodies uncomfortably positioned in some working class living room of middle America.  

Get your filthy hands out of my pockets.  Snot spit.