All I did was respond to a solicitation email from my college football program, apparently breaching the comfort zone of my former head coach.  It obviously riled him up and he fired back with a passive-aggressive email.  Little does he know, this is not my first rodeo in the world of virtual scuffles.  I actually enjoy conflict in the literary sense.  

It’s not that I enjoy it in the sense of commonplace trolling.  I enjoy words and the creative weaponizing of them.  It’s fun turning them into razor-sharp hatchets or blunt paddles for aggravating.  There’s a finesse to it, but I’ll admit it can easily swing into a more brutal and destructive realm.  I’m okay with that too. 

From a rudimentary perspective, it’s all silly words and hurt feelings.  Many people disregard the actual ideas behind the words.  If the words are the business end of the ax, the ideas are the body, from gritted teeth to toes, giving momentum to the tool. A ball pin hammer poses no danger to the human skull without the much more ominous threat — the human, and whatever wild capacity it posses.  

For starters, if I ever send you a written message, especially if the timestamp is low-noon or beyond, don’t take it personally.  My hands sit heavier on the keyboard with the added weight of the moonlight.

Back to the hyper-sensitive coach.  It’s not his fault.  He’s only doing his job and he’s probably under some assortment of physical, marital, and career stress.  No one likes to be out begging for money.  And he’s unaware of my compulsive habit of responding to every solicitation email from my former college, either berating them without mercy or counter-offering their charity case, with a hand out of my own.

You know the saying… “A penny earned is a penny saved.”  Whatever the fuck that means?  I’ve got a new saying.  If your institution brings in over 300 million dollars a year and you come asking me for money, I’m going to talk a little shit.  That shouldn’t surprise anyone.  

Here’s the situation.  My initial response to the corny solicitation video/email went like so:

Every athlete is paying ~$45k a year to go to La Verne.  Times 60 kids ... $2.7 million.  Crazy to me that the program still has to ask for money.  

Not too harsh.  More of a stunned response rather than an attacking effort.  Not to mention my ball park was way off.  I looked it up later to find out the cost of tuition is $64k a year, bringing the grand total up to $3.8 million/year.  That’s just for the football team.  

Let’s zoom out a bit.  Enrollment at the University of La Verne is 4800 (I’m rounding down).  Multiply that by $64,000 a head, per year, and now you’ve got a more titillating number — $307 million.  That doesn’t include meal plans or housing or the fucking extortion of $300 textbooks.  So before you get your shorts in a slab, tell me if that makes acceptable sense?

His response:

Hi Grant,

Thanks for the email. We are just looking for a little buffer with our budget and wanted to see if any alumni would like to help out and give a couple bucks.

 I’m just the Head Football Coach and not CFO of the university so I have to work with what I’m given. I know our folks in the budgeting office are doing their best to support everyone on campus as I’m sure the overall economics of a non-profit institution of higher education is a little more complex than your rudimentary approach or reasoning.

Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you in the future as I still appreciate you and all the help you gave to our football program when we first started.

 Best wishes,

Honestly, I was surprised to get a response at all.  And it was a fine response.  Glad-handing, passive-aggressive, and valid in pointing out my “rudimentary approach and reasoning.”  He took it a little personal in my opinion, but that’s understandable.  Beggars can’t be choosers.  They’re playing a numbers game.  More is always better.

So I tried to ease the tension and clarify my rudimentary thoughts:

I am looking at it from a rudimentary perspective.   I know you don't deal with the budget, and I know the athletics department isn't bringing in busloads of money.  Just pointing out what I see as egregious deficiencies of the "higher education" system -- because I think it's important.

Simple math gives us a ball-park of what the school brings in.  Maybe I'm a simpleton and that number puckers my sphincter.  My problem is with the overall debt-driving nature of these prestigious non-profit institutions.  You're doing the best you can, I don't doubt that.

Until next time, I remain, rudimentary, viciously mediocre, still talking shit from the proverbial sidelines,  

-woodsy

I wanted to give him credit for landing his subtle jabs.  Maybe they were deserved.  By no means were they over the line, but they lacked any real impact.  Even if the tool was samurai-sword sharp, the ideas that moved the tool were flaccid.  

Unhelpful and frustrating as it may have been, there were some ideas behind my point.  Passion even.  His response, like many responses to actual issues in our society, are met with this “It’s not up to me,” mentality.  

Many of us are aware of the hungry monsters, the fundamental problems which plague parts of our society, but few are willing to confront them.  When the beast signs our paychecks, the task turns men into cowards, and cowards will always fight for their paycheck before they fight for any larger problems in their community.  I can’t blame them, for they are cowards.  

His response:

Grant,

I figured you knew how it all works…But what disappoints me is the fact you chose to respond to my email about helping our student-athletes negatively. I have always had positive thoughts about you and your impact on my first couple of teams, so I was bummed that you made the conscious choice to reply with the intention of just (in your words) “talking sh** from the proverbial sidelines”.

I figure you don’t want any more correspondence from our program so if you would like, I will take you off all future contacts.

Once again, if there’s anything I can do to help you in the future let me know. I wish you the best in your life endeavors.

Oooooooh, he went the dad route.  I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.  Still failing to address any of my rudimentary gripes.

My concluding thoughts:

Settle down.  You're not disappointed, you took a benign comment personally and fired off a passive-aggressive response.  I'm allowed to respond to a solicitation email with my perspective.  There was never any negativity directed at any student-athletes (re-read it without the sensitivity if you must).  Please, remove me from the list.  The only emails I've ever received after leaving La Verne were to ask for money -- the true spirit of the institute of higher education.  (I respond to all of them, by the way.  You're just the first person to read the card rather than shaking it for money and tossing it out.  I appreciate that part).    

remember...love is the corner-... on the corner in a miniskirt.

-woodsy 

I guess I let the bees of bitterness out of the bag on this one.  Condescending, certainly, but true.  I went to this “institute of higher learning” for both undergraduate and graduate school.  I played on that football team. I enjoyed it.  I even coached those same student-athletes for 3 years.  Never once did I get an email from a single person other than fundraising blasts.  

I stopped myself from attacking the, “If there’s anything I can do to help you in the future…” part because it made me laugh both times.  I don’t think this is preset as a footer on all of his emails, but I can tell his hands type it without permission from his brain.  A friendly quirk of the charity seekers. 

As a coach, he always preached, “Love is the cornerstone.”  So as an immature farewell, I decided to break the rule, and throw one last cornerstone from the safety of my glasshouse.  

I think I did successfully get off the email list.  

Until next time, I remain, bitter and biting, 

Woodsy