Enough with your Weak-Shit Baptisms

Listen up Gentiles.  It is I, John the Baptist.  I’m here to correct your grossly maladjusted religious practices.  Mainly, I’m here to discuss the lost art of Baptism.  For I am the original Baptizo, and the greatest Baptist of all goddam time. Bring me your best priests, popes, shamans, and the like – I will crush them with my submersion skills.  They are mere echoes of my flatulence and will never live up to my legacy.

You scoff because I deliver this message with an air of arrogance.  Well…I baptized Jesus, the motherfucking son of God.  What’s on your resume, dick?  I rest assured that holding Jesus under the Jordan River is not among your credentials. 

Me on the other hand, people refer to me as John the Baptist.  That’s how good I am at my job.  Do you know my last name?  No?  Didn’t think so.  It doesn’t matter.  Just know that I’m the baddest motherfucking Baptist in the history of man.  You gentiles think my job is easy.  You think anyone can perform a baptism.  I’m here to show you why you are all wrong.

First of all, you’re fucking with the process.  All of you.  I’ve been sitting up here with Matthew, Mark, Luke and the rest of the guys, and quite frankly, I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t watch another one of these slapstick priests sprinkle water on someone’s face and call it a proper baptism.

You’re butchering my practice and disrespecting my name.  If I was still in contact with Jesus, I’d have him smite all of you this instant.  Luckily for you, Jesus has been on a bit of a holiday since the whole crucifixion thing.  (He’s hasn’t been taking it well, and rightfully so).

Let’s get to the procedure.  Sprinkle, dip, splash, drizzle – if you plan on baptizing anyone, take these words out of your vocabulary.  I didn’t get the name John the motherfucking Baptist by spritzing Jordan River water on the face of Jesus.  I got it from true baptism.  Baptizo if you will.

I get it.  Mankind has softened over time.  You haven’t been forced to survive through forty day floods.  You’ve never experiences plagues of locus and rivers of blood.  In turn, you’ve weakened.  You rely on symbolism.  You bicker and boycott, and most of you can’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground.  But have no fear.  The OG Baptist is here to fix all of that.

Why do you think baptism worked so well for me?  I’ll give you time.  Think of an answer.

It wasn’t from a few water droplets on the forehead. 

Have you ever heard of a Near Death Experiences?  Fought off lions?  Found yourself sharing a meal with a family of lepers?  No.  That explains a lot.

Well, when you have a near death experience, space and time mold into one being.  You may have an out of body experience and feel yourself hovering over you lifeless body.  During these experiences, you truly understand love and compassion.  You feel it like a warm coat over your shoulders.  You are connected to everything, human, plant, animal, stones, stars, air.  Past and future pull into your chest and you understand that everything is one.

Now, do you think you can get this majestic feeling from a cup of distilled water splashed in your face?  NO!  Absolutely not.  The near death experience is a part of baptism the same way water is a part of the Nile River.  In all my years of baptism, I never once sprinkled water on someone and deemed them free of sins.  Any fool can do that.

True baptism takes effort.  It takes precision and strength.  Jesus is a big dude.  I had to hold him underwater for over two minutes before he stopped thrashing.  It wasn’t easy, but I made it happen.  I’m just a man, I can’t bring light to mankind, but I can bring some men to the light.  Hold them down.  Let them struggle, let them spaz and kick, but get them to the light.  What better way to bring someone to a spiritual awakening that by showing them the true beauty and fragility of the world?

Near.  Death.  Experiences.  Need I repeat myself?  Near Death Experience is the only true way to baptize.  Sure, they won’t exactly be clear of all of their sins.  But while their under that water, convulsing, straining for air, they’ll reconsider their future actions.  Take them all the way to the light.  Don’t let them up until they surrender the struggle.  That’s a baptism.

Now, you must understand that this isn’t a fool proof process.  Some people are going to drown.  It’s unavoidable.  The percentile will be determined by your skill level.  You need to be aware, alert, and quick to action.  There’s a thin line between near death experience, and drowning victim.  The learning curve is steep.

I’ll leave you with a few useful tips.  Priests – get your pencils out. 

Always immerse people face up.  In this position it is very hard for the baptizee to gain leverage.  The last thing you want is someone muscling their way out of the water too soon.  You will also be responsible for covering the person’s mouth and nose.  Naturally, they will want to inhale.  If you allow water into their lungs, the process becomes exponentially more difficult. 

Before you baptize someone, don’t tell them when they are coming up, or that they are coming up at all.  They must fully accept their demise.  Their life is in your hands, literally.  When they stop thrashing beneath the surface, give yourself a slow five count, and bring them up quickly.  Remove your hand from their mouth and nose only after they are out of the water.  (I shouldn’t have to say this…but I have to say this).

Finally, get them air!  Your modern techniques are much more efficient that the methods I used.  Pay close attention.  Typically, there is a natural surge for air once the blood oxygen is consumed.  However, you may have to administer resuscitation (about 8% of the time).  A slap never killed anyone.  It can help bring them back thought.  Make sure to say something about Jesus before you do it.  Otherwise, people may misconstrue actions.

Go forth and give these people what they paid for.

This has been a public service announcement from John the Baptist.