The History of Tibet and the Dalai Lama from the Fast Lane
The highest region in the world stands on a plateau north of the Himalayas, between China and India. This region is known as Tibet. Tibet is the Rudy of the religious world – except not retarded. The thin aired expanse has been fucked and kicked around by modern humans continuously for the better part of 21,000 years.
Tibet’s silver lining, the cream on the goat’s milk if you will, are the Yellow Hat Sect of Tibetan Buddhists who established their holy footing in the region in the 17th century. You won’t catch these fools boozing it up or partaking in Brazilian style barbeques, despite their comfortable looking BBQ sauce colored robes. Instead, they choose rigorous academic studies and are second to none when it comes to sitting quietly in uncomfortable cross-legged positions.
When the Yellow Hats established themselves in the region, they got the nod from Gushi Khan, one of the descendants of the infamous Genghis motherfucking Khan himself. Gushi Khan served as an overlord and protector of the Yellow Hats.
The first Dalai Lama was Gedrum Drupa, but he wasn’t named a lama until after his death. Really, the first four Dalai Lamas played a quiet role in the grand scheme of things. It works like this, one Dalai Lama dies, and his holiness is reborn into another body. The turnaround process for this reincarnation thing seems to be fairly quick.
By Dalai Lama number five, the cultural development process kicks up a notch. When number five died, his death was kept a secret for fifteen years to avoiding a period of vulnerability (also so the construction of a palace could be completed).
Naturally, when one of these religious super stars die, the high spiritual leaders in the Tibetan Buddhist community go off eating fortune cookies and looking for signs in an attempt to locate the upcoming Dalai Lama. Poor neighborhoods, Mongolia, the local swimming hole –the new Dalai Lama could be anywhere.
In 1697 Tsangyang Gyato was named Dalai Lama number six. Unlike his predecessors, he liked to drink and fuck. That rock star mentality wound up getting him in a bit of trouble. In 1705 Lobzang Khan (again with the Khans) used Gyato’s antics as an excuse to take back control of the region.
Following that debacle was a tumultuous period for Tibet. Takeovers, invasions, typical Khan shit. There was also a string of Dalai Lamas who died very young. Dalai Lama number nine died at nine years old. Then ten through twelve all kicked the bucket in their late teens, early twenties. By the time thirteen got into the hot seat, he was able to reassert himself, assuming ruling power from the monasteries.
Meanwhile, communist-ass China is trying to flex on Tibet, attempting to claim ownership of the region. Dalai Lama thirteen, Thubten Gyatso, tries to tell them to pound sand. He takes a few more strides toward independence but dies in his fifties.
Dalai Lama fourteen takes the reigns in 1950, in the midst of a Chinese invasion. 1951 the Seventeen Point Agreement is signed, basically at gunpoint, incorporating Tibet to the People’s Republic of China. Huge revolt ensues, 87,000 Tibetan people lose their lives. The U.S. tries to passive aggressively help Tibet with military training and support camps. More guerilla warfare. The CIA funds the Dalai Lama $1.7 million a year.
Finally, Dalai Lama number fourteen says “fuck it.” He packs his shit and flees to exile in India. In 1989 Tenzin Gyatso wins the Nobel Peace Prize, for being an all-around good shit.
Boom.
