Spain Update - alone vs lonely
I’m in the fifth month of this Spanish inquisition shit. I don’t have a bunch of breakthrough news to tell you, yet. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees, (or whatever that saying is). It’s been an exposing journey so far. When you’re alone, some of your own flaws become glaring and painful. At this point, I’ve picked at some of the flaws, leaving them irritated and red. I’ve begun to heal a few of the other flaws. And then, of course, there are flaws that I haven’t been able to address. Those continue to fester.
Before you think I have syphilis, I’ll give you an example.
Aloneness and loneliness are different creatures. I’ve been forced to think about these, almost too much, since I’ve been here. I came here with the belief that I don’t get lonely. Too strong, too comfortable by myself, anti-social, agoraphobic – whatever. I saw loneliness as a weakness and I fought it off like Muhammad Ali against the ropes. But…after a few months, that little bitch loneliness started strutting by in her red dress, blowing kisses and shit.
I always thought of loneliness as needing someone – a person – some external stimulation because you couldn’t keep it together alone. I’ve come to realize, that maybe, that isn’t the case.
I haven’t experienced loneliness in the sense that a single person could be the remedy. Instead, it’s been a strange, tinder, blue feeling, like something is missing.
I noticed it one day when I saw a dog – a homely, splotchy-coated thing with big stupid ears. I saw the dog and I said, in my head, “When I get back, I’m getting a dog.” That’s when the bell went off. I asked myself, do you really want a dog? You want to pick up warm shit with a thin grocery bag? You want to deal with all that hair and slobber and attention whoring?
The answer was no. Fuck no. Then I said to myself. “You’re just lonely, you fairy.” Sometimes I’m really mean in my self-talk. “Look at you, ‘I’m Grant, I want a puppy.’ Are you going to carry your little puppy around in your purse?”
It didn’t stop there. I thought about girlfriends and ex-girlfriends and mistakes that maybe could be future girlfriends. I started noticing people with babies and families having picnics at the beach. For a few seconds at a time, I’d look at these things with interest. Then I’d shake myself out of it.
It was that bitch loneliness, trying to seduce me. So I started rewinding the tape and picking it all apart. I realized that I’ve been in a pretty awesome position in life, in terms of family. At home, there was always family. We fight, we get on each other’s nerves, we say hateful shit, but there’s always this feeling of love. Not sappy shit, just when you get home from work or from school, you know you’re in a place where people care about you. It’s unavoidable, like a fart that just lingers in the house eternally. You don’t even need to see them. You can be in a bitter argument with one of them, but that intangible funk of love is still in the background. That stink is what I missed. That’s why I had those irrational dog/child thoughts.
Loneliness is not a bad thing. It’s normal. From what I’ve learned, I think it’s important to be comfortable enough with aloneness so that you won’t be floored when little Mrs. Lonely decides to walk by in her red dress.
This is only one example. I have five months of success and failures to tell you guys about. But, since I know you’re all a bunch of public school kids who won’t read anything longer than a few paragraphs, I’ll end this with a quote.
“To be a good warrior, one has to feel sad and lonely, but rich and resourceful at the same time. This makes the warrior sensitive to every aspect of phenomena: to sights, smells, sounds and feelings.” -Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Until next time, scumbags.