Solving the Police Problem
For many people, the police are becoming a problem. And by “many people” I mean, blacks, browns – not so much yellows – saggers, taggers, people in hats, drunks, back talkers, questioners, witnesses, dog walkers, bikers, orphans, and the poor. In some cases you can call it police brutality, while other cases might be better filed under target practice or public executions. Regardless of the number of inorganic holes in innocent chests and backs, cops have a tremendously difficult job.
Let’s take a look at who’s qualified to be a police officer. First, you have to go through background checks. Pushups and sit ups. You have to be able to read, add and subtract single digit numbers without using your fingers, assess serious life threatening situations in real time, and deal with the entire spectrum of angry idiotic humans. You’ve got to know some human psychology. Sometimes you have to chase, wrestle, and electrocute young aggressive men. The uniforms are hot, the belts are uncomfortable, and you have to stand in the sun at times. Being a cop is no walk in the park.
Think about this. For the vast majority of times, whenever you have to talk to a police officer, something bad has happened. You got pulled over, you got choked to death for selling loose cigarettes, your nanna got hit by a car, you witnessed a crime, committed a crime, or maybe you’re just experiencing a “random” stop and frisk. Even if you’re not face to face with police officer, things can get uncomfortable. Say you pull up to a stop light and a patrol car pulls behind you. Now you have to evaluate everything you’ve done in the past week. Did I roll through that last stop sign? Are my lights on? Am I drunk – was I drunk yesterday? Did I forget to turn off the oven? Are my tags expired? Don’t look in the mirror too much. Smile, but don’t make it weird. Hands at ten and two. Being around the police is stressful, period.
Because of this, right off the bat, many people associate the police with negativity. Let’s change that. First off, no more dark uniforms. They’ve got guns, pepper spray, handcuffs, whiffle ball bats, Tasers, and badges – they’re intimidating enough. Police uniforms should be a soft, baby blue, like a toddlers bedroom walls. They should also be required to wear those paper hats like In-N-Out employees. Nothing says friendly like a paper hat.
Number two: Police should be friendly, almost to the point of obnoxiousness. A waitress might get reprimanded if she isn’t smiling enough. The workers at Chipotle say “Welcome to Chipotle,” to every person who walks through the door, no matter how busy they are. But police are commonly rude, forceful and indignant. The police force is a service industry. Why don’t they adopt some ideals from the service culture, like extraordinary kindness? They should be walking around with big, permanent smiles, asking people how their day is going. Take a page from the Mormon’s book. Mormons are always nice. They’ll even do chores – it’s a part of their thing. If a police officer isn’t busy protecting, he should be helping people take their garbage cans out to the curb, mowing lawns, washing cars, teaching kids how to ride bikes, carrying groceries. If a pickup basketball game is short one person, an on-duty cop should be required to jump in. Reform the negative association and make it a positive one.
Of course you’d let a police officer trim your hedges or walk your dog. They’re a part of the community. They get paid to do it. No longer would people be frozen behind the steering wheel at a stop light, afraid to look at the officer stopped beside them. Instead, you’d roll down your window and the officer would ask you if everything is going well. You wouldn’t be afraid of them because they’d be wearing that paper hat and that crisp baby blue uniform. The standard patrol car would be a Prius. Motorcycle cops would drive Vespas. Officer Kelly taught your daughter how to ride a bike without training wheels. There’s no reason to nervous.
Yes, being a police officer is a challenging profession. Every day they see and deal with horrible people and situations. They’re despised in some neighborhoods, feared in others. No one is talking about PTSD in the police force, but it’s surely there. To the good cops out there, which are the majority, I commend you. But maybe it’s time for things to change. The police department is not a gang. They shouldn’t conduct business the way a gang conducts business, nor should they be feared as one.
Police aren’t immune to mistakes. They’re human. It’s a dangerous job and sometimes they panic and make the wrong decisions. But in some parts of the country, it has gotten a little out of control. We need accountability. Protect and serve. No more negligence. No more ‘stop and frisks’ until all the lawns are mowed.
Oh, and don’t forget to smile.
(It's already happening in some places. Keep it up coppers).