Shackles For All. United States of Americle.
Greetings wonderful world. Coming at you live from “Amiricle.” The land where the hopelessly brave live in miserable danger, and the true cowards are gifted security in abundance. Shackles for all! A three point restraint that locks your feet to your dick to your slowly eroding brain. The only steps cowards are allowed to take are linear and minuscule. Don’t think about being sneaky, a rattling chain can be heard for miles. If you behave yourself — Don’t make too much noise — Don’t attempt any sudden movements — you’ll be allowed to use your dick at least once a year. During which time, the three-point restraint won’t be removed, but instead, loosened and slipped to the side.
We wouldn’t want you making any dangerous moves during dick time. That would be absurd. The punishment for that is prison. A life sentence without the chance for retirement. While all of your chained and shackled brethren are being let loose at the ripe old age of sixty-five, you’ll continue your thrill-less march toward death.
Did I tell you the new president is thinking about outlawing windows? Dangerous. Health hazards. Windows have been known to blind people. Refraction, broken glass, non-organic Windex — it’s all bad news. If the voters agree, which they will, due to a clusterfuck of language infractions and propaganda, then all windows will be replaced with steel grates. The economy will soar. True steel, made in the truly free states of Amaricle. No more dependance on that imitation steel, made by diligent child laborers. Think of the economy, people. Think of the bigger picture.
Aren’t window’s necessary, you ask. Of course not. That’s old school thinking. We’ve got televisions clearer than windows these days. Fifty, sixty, one-thousand inch, high-definition screens. We’ve got 3D and touch capabilities. We’ve got virtual reality, people. Why endanger yourself with windows and premature death?
Plus, what’s there to see outside anyway. There is nothing out there but derelicts. Heretics, with no moral values. They are not of your ilk. Watch their feet, see how fast they move. Notice the change of direction, change of pace —too much change. They’re capable of running across the street, though traffic, speeding, jumping, falling, becoming scarred, taking risks. These are things that us shackled people have no interest in. The brave will become extinct on their own ill motives. Their interest in adventure and excitement will ultimately lead to their demise. The entire population of brave, courageous souls will die hard. They’ll fall from moving airplanes, drown in open oceans, they’ll gamble and fornicate their money and time away. Because they’re dumb. They’re dumb and they’re courageous.
Sure, I understand. Some courages people turn out fine. They appear to excel even. Don’t believe this. It’s all propaganda, put together by a courageous overlord, Freedom. It’s pushed on internet forums and propagated by anonymous groups of young masked men. They think they’ve got it all figured out, yet they still have to cover their faces with masks. They say it’s for protection against government and our beloved Shackler’s Inc. But I tell you, these are lies. Bold face lies, spouted from behind plastic masks. They’re hiding because they’re afraid. They too, know their death is imminent. They lead dangerous lifestyles and wear disguises to protect their families from embarrassment. They’ve got no futures. The future belongs to those held together in custom fitted, three-point harnesses. No matter how loud they protest, the future is ours.
Why do you think we banned LSD? Not for our own sake, but to protect YOU from becoming one of THEM. Marijuana, the same reason. They take detestable drugs, hallucinate, commit crimes. They imagine worlds that don’t exist. They believe in impossibilities. These drugs give them false hopes of lands where shackles aren’t beneficial. In reality, it’s immaturity. These are children with corrupt minds. The entire group is made up of clinically ill, insane, TERRORISTS. They’ve demonstrated this a hundred times over. Melting chains with torches, burning themselves alive, chewing through their own flesh to escape. They break the arms of children to free them of custom, comfort-fitted shackles for Christ’s sake. They’re barbarians. Terrorists with nothing more than selfish and violent desires. They’ll lie, they’ll cheat, they’ll do anything to turn you against your beautiful, luminous television screes.
Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed to live in this wonderful land of Americle. In my humble opinion, I think they should be captured and rehabilitated. Twenty-four hour surveillance, lashings, hypnotism, reprograming, whatever it takes. The government seems to believe the same thing. They are currently gearing up, creating the infrastructure to complete this mission, so that one day we will live in a land without the dangers of courage, of sharp glass windows. A land where terror doesn’t exist. A land where the shackles prevail.
My message to you all. Pull down your shutters. Pull them down. Nail boards over your windows until Shackles Inc. equips you home with genuine Americle-made steel window replacements. Don’t put yourself in danger. Don’t open your ears or your eyes to the propaganda they spout. The Freedom overlords are coercive. Stand up with your fellow chained brethren. Stand up, lock arms and show them your chains. Show them the padded cufflinks. Tell them about your yearly dick usage benefits. Brag to them about the safety of your windowless home. The security of your mandatory eighty hour work week. If they dispute it, tilt your head back and laugh. Laugh until your face becomes as red as your hands and feet which are snuggly secured with comfort. One day they will be on our side. They will rid themselves of these blasphemous, courageous views. They’ll don shackles and state-issued velcro sneakers, just like the ones we all wear. Our powerful government is protecting us. We are strong together. Strong like the padlocks that dangle under our crotches. Together we create one unbreakable chainlink. Safety for all! Shackles for all! Say yes to a windowless and gutless Americle.