Parking RATS (email I sent to Bend parking enforcement)
To the swine giving parking tickets,
You are a useless bunch of slippery day-time pickpockets. We all understand the letter of the law. Who would EVER park a car longer than three hours? Not a single task in this flawless city should last any longer than two hours and fifty-four minutes. Anything else is criminal! and should be punished severely.
Listen here you ticketing swine, when there are hundreds of available parking spaces in the structure, STOP GIVING goddam TICKETS. The point of parking enforcement is to free up spaces, ensuring that your beloved citizens don't hoard these precious parking spaces for days at a time. Am I correct?
So why are your parking goons still ticketing at 5:19pm on a snowy Thursday — in a vacant structure? Give me one good reason. “Rules are rules” doesn't cut it. We're grown ups. We pay our taxes. We took a test to get our driver's license. The DMV already shook us down for registration, and now we have you thieves to deal with. Great. You bunch of ogres with nothing better to do.
You should all be flogged with those ridiculous reflective vests. There's obviously no rhyme or reason to your ticketing scheme...is there reason for your terrible fashion? Is it a strategy to keep your battalion of buffoons visible? So the working-paying public will know where to stick our used gum? So dogs have an alternate aiming point, incase they want to whiz somewhere other than the typical fire hydrant?
You low-grade, sneaky tax takers. How do you sleep at night? I hope you all have reoccurring nightmares that happen in 2 hour and 59 minute increments. I hope that unopened ticket book burns right through weaselly little hands. I hope dyslexia takes your ability to copy license plate numbers. I wish all of you long and horrendous DMV lines, and additional fees.
Oh, you can take that one dollar convenience fee and pay it to the shit-eating gods of parking karma. You are a part of the problem. One day someone is going to bounce their rusted Ford f-150 door right into your PT loser mobile...and you'll deserve it.
I'm not going to stoop to saying what you do isn't a real job, but have some discernment. Crowded parking lot = give tickets. Empty parking lot = no give tickets. Idiots.
Yours truly,
$13 poorer